Well, first of all, hello! My name is Leonidas L. Carroll and I’m glad Momma finally asked me to contribute something to this blog. I admit, I’ve learned a lot following it. From that, and from sitting next to momma as she writes, I’ve learned…writing is easy! You think your thoughts and then you type them! On a computer! In no time at all, I finished my first book. In fact, I learned so much, I even published it!
So you know, I’ve got some real ruff knowledge to impart. You can learn from my experiences right here, today! I present to you:
Leonidas L. Carroll’s Top Ten Secrets to Success in Publishing!
- Critique partners will just steal your ideas. Never show your manuscript to anybody. It’s a dog-eat dog world out there, sho’ ‘nuff!
- Spell check is for sissies. If you’re really creative like me, you can make up your oun spellingz for werdzz!
- Only query one agent at a time. That way you won’t have to let the others down when your dream agent replies with an offer. Nobody likes to be left out. You know how it feels when everyone goes somewhere exciting for the day and leaves you at home with only a bowl of dry-ass generic kibbies. Don’t do it to an agent—it’s mean!
- Word count suggestions are just that — suggestions. Any agent will jump at the chance to represent a double-length manuscript. It’s like two books for the price of one! In fact, my book is three books in one! Each section of Eat, Poop, Sniff is its own 100,000 word masterpiece!
- Give your queries the personal touch by including a family photo, your complete medical history, and a letter of recommendation from your high school English teacher. I like to scent-mark mine specially!
- Whenever you’re with a group of writers, howl about yourself and your writing NONE STOP. Don’t let them get a bark in. This way you’re spreading the word of your colossal awesomeness and building a ruff fan base!
- You know characters are the most important part of your story! Let your readers rrreally get to know them! Begin your manuscript with the main character waking up, staring out the window, and thinking about her life story up to that point. Start the action 3 to 4 chapters later. I like to list everything they eat, too. And don’t forget the trips to the fire hydrant. After all, that’s what everyone wants to know!
- When pitching your manuscript in person to an agent or editor, they really like Yo Mama jokes to break the ice before you begin your pitch. When in doubt, always go with the classic sign of respect: roll over and pee!
- Now, let’s get to haterz. If your a genoius like me, you will have them, and you know haterz be hatin’. If you get a negative online review, be sure to start a flame war in the comments. Show them your bark IS as bad as your bite! You’ll change their minds AND get publicity!
- Also, make sure the hero of your story is an idealized version of yourself. Write what you know! Be sure to check out my next release, What’s That Smell? (Book One in the Lionel LaRue Poodle detective series….out this summer—Preorder Your Copy Today!)
Thank you for having me here today, Momma and you other ladies. So remember, buy my book!!!! And if you want to know what inspires me, follow me out on Pinterest!
P.S. I know you all have learned a lot here, and your ideas probably aren’t as good as mine, but go ahead and tell me some of your publishing secrets in the comments. I won’t bite!