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Sally Kilpatrick

My Guilty Pleasure by Sally Effing Kilpatrick

Oh, this post came at a most opportune time.

I have a book coming out in about a month, and it’s an odd hodgepodge of, well, me. You see, there’s the Sally that grew up in a small town and made very good grades and behaved very well after the age of five. (Ask my mom—she’ll tell you!) She went to a little white church and learned all of the hymns. Then she went to college and even kept going to church there. She doesn’t smoke, hasn’t done drugs, and didn’t drink until she was 21.

And then there’s the Sally who cusses like a sailor. No. There are times when sailors would probably plug their ears to escape the vitriol. I cuss when I’m happy or sad or mad. I would cuss in a box. I would cuss with a fox. Or in a boat or with a goat. . .

I think you get the picture.

This puts me in a pretty pickle because The Happy Hour Choir has some decidedly inspirational moments. And then there’s the cussing. Even worse? Bittersweet Creek is about my country farmers. They cuss even more. the happy hour choir

I know I shouldn’t do it. It’s not ladylike for one thing. It’s not what nice people do. I’m supposedly showing how deficient I am in vocabulary. *cough* Bullshit *cough* I doubt very seriously that my blue streaks make my parents or husband proud, and it’s not really a habit I want to pass on to my children.

So, I asked myself, “Self, why do you cuss so damn much?” And my self came up with the following reasons:

5. There was that boyfriend who once remarked how much he liked the fact I didn’t cuss a lot. Yeah. About that. I may or may not have exerted my freedom from him in a litany of four-letter words. Huh. I would’ve thought that would’ve worn off by now.

4. As a student of the English language, I am mystified by how creative we are in our cursing. Take any curse word, and I bet you can shoehorn it into just about any part of speech. That’s a flexibility not every language enjoys. We owe it to ourselves to explore our native language’s fluidity, don’t you think?

3. It’s fun. Phrases like “shit fire and save the matches” amuse me. Add “bitches” to the end of just about anything, and it’s hilarious. See Bitches, Teacups! Also, don’t you really want to end your yoga classes with “Namaste, bitches!” You know you do.

2. It’s cathartic. Somehow “Dadblame it!” doesn’t really help me when I stub my toe. On the other hand, a long and drawn out “Son of a bitch” really helps me manage my pain. I swear it’s true. They should do scientific studies. I volunteer as tribute.

1. Here’s the real reason: some of my favorite people in this entire world curse. My Aunt Dot tried her darnedest not to cuss in front of me with some hilarious permutations like “Bullcorn.” I was supposed to be sleeping one night when her friend Dennis was talking about almost getting into a traffic accident and made the story more hilarious while repeating, “F*ck a duck!” over and over again. (I sometimes make this one “Fornicate with aquatic fowl” in an attempt to make it a bit more Twitter friendly. In related news, I’m also a fan of “defecate adobe.”) And, finally, a shout out to my father who has always enjoyed adding a blue word here and there to elicit a giggle. One day—as an adult, mind you—I said a certain word, and he responded with “You’ve got stuff in your mouth that I wouldn’t hold in my hand. Where’d you learn such things?” I narrowly avoided going all 80s PSA on him and shouting, “I learned it from listening to you, Dad!”

At any rate, if all of those people are cursing, I don’t think cursers go to hell. I could call out some closet cursers, but I won’t. I’ll just say that little pitchers may have big ears, but they also have big eyes. If I’ve been emulating Aunt Dot and Dennis and Daddy, it’s not really because they cuss. No, it’s because I like the way they treat other people and that shouldn’t be forgotten just because they have a colorful vocabulary.

So, cuss all you want, bitches!*

Work Bitch


*As the pragmatic feminist I am, I understand that the word “bitch” can be problematic. Personally, I like to feel as though I am appropriating it. Already I don’t feel the sting when it’s hurled at me as an insult. And if I don’t feel the sting, then your insult hasn’t succeeded.


Maybe I’m a Good Girl Gone Bad?

I think a corollary may be that good looking shirtless guys are always appreciated. I’ll have to wait for some feedback on that one.

Finally. Someone asked me to join their club. Even better, it’s a BadGirlz club!

I’m so happy to be a part of the Bad Girlz blog, and I can only hope I don’t get kicked out for my goody-two-shoes ways. I mean, I do cuss–LIKE A SAILOR–but I also sing in the church choir. Then there’s the fact that I teach Sunday School, and I used to teach high school. Even worse? I’m the daughter of a teacher. We all know teachers’ kids and preachers’ kids go one of two ways. Yeah, I was the straight and narrow kind.

I want to be a bad girl. Really, I do, but I fidget when characters in books and on television are making stupid decisions. I have been known to actually yell, “Make good choices!” Oddly enough, they never listen.

Sexy corn. I can’t make this stuff up, and I’m a writer.

Then there was the time in my misguided college years I tried to dress up as a hooker for Halloween. I think I was the most conservatively dressed person there. I used my own closet instead of going to a costume store. Heck, now you can be a sexy ear of corn if you want to.* I mean, you can. I’d probably come out looking like the farmer’s wholesome daughter.

I did take pole dancing lessons. In related news, I still can’t dance much less dance sexy.

Yay! It’s about a bad girl….who ends up playing piano in a church. *face palm*

Maybe my novel is about a bad girl? In The Happy Hour Choir, Beulah swears and plays hymns in a bar. That’s pretty bad, isn’t it? Then she falls for a minister. Hmmm.

I did skip class once with my bestie from high school! Kinda. Okay so we technically had permission to be off campus for a yearbook photo and the daring thing we did was go through the McDonald’s drive thru WITHOUT GETTING PERMISSION FIRST, and I was the one driving. Then we sat in the auditorium lobby and ate McDonald’s instead of going back to the cafeteria. *gasp* Then one of our teachers and the guidance counselor found us and told us we were going to be suspended and lose our Valedictorian and Salutatorian statuses and we would RECEIVE ALL ZEROES FOR ALL THE DAYS WE WERE ABSENT. And my life flashed before my eyes! And then that teacher and the guidance counselor burst out laughing because they were playing a cruel, cruel practical joke on us. Janette and I were not amused.

I’m not as bad as Janette, though. She’s the one who tore one of those “Do not remove” tags off a

As a side not, I’m talking about my friend Janette–not Bad Girl Jeanette.

hotel pillow once. I know because I was there.

You know, I’m trying. We went to Coyote Ugly a few years back, and I tried to dance on the bar. I couldn’t get to the bad because the place was so crowded.

I did get a speeding ticket right before Nationals in Atlanta. That’s pretty bad, right? What? No. Oh, okay.

So that happened.

Oh, hey! I wore a corset to Moonlight & Magnolias that time. That counts, right?

Fine. I guess I’ll have to stick to cussing as my major vice although I did drink straight from the champagne bottle on my fortieth birthday so maybe there’s hope yet that I’ll learn to be bad. Maybe all these BadGirlz will rub off on me.

Stay tuned for some posts with writing and reading and whatnot, but in the meantime I’m going to try to get a handle on this being bad thing.






Tiny Treats: A Holiday Collection

Perfect for this hectic time of year, Tiny Treats is an anthology of micro-stories, all with different holiday themes. The best part of all is it’s free!

25 different authors offer tales in perfect bite sized pieces. Several of our own Bad Girlz contributed: Jeanette Grey, Sally Kilpatrick, Heather McGovern, Tanya Michaels, and Trish Milburn, with Trish Milburn editing and organizing.

Pick up a free copy today!

Amazon – Barnes & Noble  Smashwords Tiny Treats website.

tiny treats

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